10.My
history
|
10.
My history I wrote my thinking. Would you want to
know my background? You may think why I reached such thinking. Therefore,
let’s upload a diary when I was young. 10.1
Recollection I was born in the 有松裏 on January 10, 1946. My name was named
by the older brother that came home from war. “The war is hell” Any reason of war is an
action to affirm murder for war. I have memory since 4 years old. Positive memories have begun to remain
when I became 6 years old. There is dusty earthen floor; unclean dark a shed
with soot though the daytime; I repeated the making of tunnel by a toy of
building block; the odor ditch to stagnate sludge along the neighbor house;
and the first fear. It is that I got 5 yens coin from mother as a substitute
for a cheap and had it carelessly. I stumbled on the way to a cheap candy
store and have dropped money in the grass. I thought in an instant. Oops! But
I thought that I would get it again if I went home. I was a simple child.
Mother grasped a situation easily when I came to house. And she changed
facial expression and took me to the place I lost and she has begun to look
for it. I turned into sorrow as soon as to see the situation of upset mother.
I could cry and tear filled streamed incessantly. And it was memorized as
miserable image. It is processed as a laughingstock even
if I talk this story to children of the oldest brother. However, the action
to abandon feeling embarrassed in the kind of money and to pick up money was
big learning for me. When I was second grader father passed
away after laid up with a stroke for approximately one year. Oldest brother
had brought up five brothers and mother and had felt to have a hard time.
However, I played around hills and fields; the pond: the river; without
anxiety about family. Wheat cutting and digging sweet potato were fun.
Although it was poor life, I feel nostalgia strongly. I probably contacted into an organization
of the human being since the days of a fourth grader. I moved to the
principal school from the branch school and had commuted to there by train. I
have begun to look for a congenial friend even if far from the house. I
encountered (the friend of the town, the friend of the farmhouse, the
director of the big company) the friend of various environment. And I was
able to see a glimpse of the social environment of their parent through the
play with them. On the contrary, I found my neighborhood were poor village at
that time. And I have watched that a leader had just lost his power under the
big organization because he was a normal person. I have begun to keep a diary since a
junior high school student. I do not know the reason that I have begun to
write. However, I realized talking with oneself by doing so . And I had the
good custom to look at a heart of deep darkness endlessly. I have heard the
whisper that this outer space is connected directly with my mind and walks
towards the life evolution. "Let’s walk straight the direction of
evolution of life!" I heard such a voice in the junior high
school days. 1. I take care of a troubled person with
warm eyes. 2. I do not get angry. 3. I carry out that I thought. 4. I do not do anything of bad act for a
friend. 5. I do not take egoism. 6. I do take responsibility. 7. I walk on my way as far as a person
receive little a harm 8. I do not say backbit. 9. I consider each phenomenon from
standpoint of a third party. "I trust me faithfully, and love
anyone equally" If I can’t trust me walking toward the
true direction while harmonizing with reality, I can’t deal with things. Therefore I'm faithful. In addition,
my mind must not include a hesitation because it is trusted by me. According to my coworker's eyes I would
seem selfishness. You would feel
it will seem that I'm very conceited with selfishness. I believe a day when
you realize it sometime, and we should walk a right way without discouraged
by such thought. I love it equally. It is natural we help
a troubled friend. I have to make you aware to a purpose of the evolution of
the life. And I want you to know that the personal interest of now is
meaningless to the future. We are friends. Therefore, I demonstrate a step
that it is along to direction of the way of evolution and must publicize it
to everybody. I must talk this matter to you. "It quoted from my diary of the
junior high school, and interpretation is graduate school" 10.2 Poetry
of a young day It was the date that Chairperson Asanuma
was killed by 山口二矢. And Japan security treaty bound. Contradiction Junior high school second grader. It keeps raining endlessly. It keeps
raining endlessly while putting up the clean music sound. "Rustle.
Rustle." Occasionally it keeps making something
resound. Oh the mystery! It's contradiction. It is surely
contradiction to keep raining Joy of one-day, sorrow of one-day fades
away one by one. It continues to rain endlessly. It
includes clean harmony and is raining. What is my work?
A high school second grader. Do not you blame my ignorant heart though
I do not understand that you come from somewhere? You know yourself, "tell me what you
are". Do I have jealousy? Or do you drive me into a corner? What is it? I feel uncomfortable own who cannot
realize it. Tell me if you have a mind. I do not know
it. I follow to the end of the life if I understand it.
I stand in a point of this earth. And I
look down at the town. Each person walks around. They are coming and going in
the same place. For what is? If
there are foods, we scramble, the weak person becomes emaciated, and a strong
person gets energy. I heard it to you just to make sure. However, nobody
answers. So I return there and I stand again to think. Who made this world? Is it you? Is big and the small world. One of groups
of billions is alone. All people of world possess the earth. However, he makes a boundary, and thinks
it to be a commonplace. And it changes one after another with
time. A flow is; a flow of the water is;
passage of time is. The life is flowed more steadily to the
end of the time. A star calls me out. The star gives me
power and let me maintain my hope. I answer I breathe you and protect it
hard. But I am sometimes anxious and I
sometimes suffer. However, I get over it. I protect it, and
spread it and must live for a human being, for a creature, for all of us. hesitation High school third
grader There is one haze in the night sky where
I'm standing. It is not a nebula. There is the small haze. There was the hesitation like haze in
this quiet night sky. I wander in a haze. I wander to look for
the way with the help of the light of the star. There was still such a mind.
A mind to wander in a haze is. When I'm with all of member, my heart is
a human being. When I'm alone, yes, my heart is an
abnormal character. My mind is in confusion and disturbs my
active thinking. It always comes when it is quiet, and
then disappears all too soon. I remember the scar, and I grow up again. Active life of institute student time. In the times of the high school I felt a
strong tangle in the gap between the way of life gushing in heartily, and
conventional wisdom. After that I found a job, and commuted to the night
school of Nagoya institute of technology one year later. I liked club
activities and did my best at it. The difference between the club
administration of the high school and it is administration of the
organizations of self-direction. Our club all of members handled the
interchange with other school in limited time. Of course we did annual club
administration. We had to work everything. We performed the interchange with
both of the full time school system and a night school lively. I heard the
lecture of well-known people. I learned a human image with the discussion
with the friend. And I wrote what I had felt to write something through two
years when I belonged to the graduate school. February 21, 1972 Dear mii-chan The beckoning cat of this week was stocks
of two brands. Therefore I was
scolded by my father. ”What were you doing？” I could live with my father for 18 years
and am happy.The beckoning cat of this week was only stocks of two brands.
Therefore I was scolded by my
father. ”What were you doing？” I can live with my father for 18 years
and am happy. It is the section of the encounter with
my father. My father had been living in 1DK in Obata
since eight years ago. I was born under the veranda. As for the brothers,
tiger's color is "Michael" and color of a tortoiseshell is
"Chibi" and me. We got friendship and good neighborhood
relationship of father. We jumped on a veranda for poor father.
He repeated failure every time and knows nothing of the world, also is poor
at expression. Therefore we have to encourage father. We entered the room of
my father from the window which slightly opened. He seemed to be surprised
watching us looking like mouse. I was surprised too, but I did my best
"mew" because our purpose was cure to my father. My father gave us
prawns rice cracker while laughingly. The cure is a proud technique of our
group. He was crazy about us only in this case. "It is OK you come to
play every night" But I'm visiting his room for cure. Therefore it is a wrong. It is "Thank
you" ((( ))) It is talked about
me and father of old time today Let me talk about me and father of old
time today. I visited into father's room every day to
play. We have spent with my father noisily. The plaything is a felt pen with
the caps. It is the repetition of throwing it with both hands. Father looked
glad when I run among rooms. When it sometimes enters under the desk and
can’t catch it by hands, my father takes it out. My father looks happy. I know the private life of my father
because I spend time with together. My father comes back to my house at 7:30
p.m. He seems eating dinner while watching a
comic at restaurant of somewhere. He liked "じゃりんこちえ" of Etsumi Haruki and "Asura" of Akiyama George.
And then he sleeps immediately while listening to the radio after having
taken a bath. I have not seen that he was studying. ヘヘ A Life the outdoors Three of us went out to the Yada River to
play with my father well. A riverbed is the depths of the sport ground. It is
the around 100m other side. However, crossing is not scary. I follow after
back of him while bantering around the sport ground. I lived with my father who is reliable
person. Father is strong. When the stray cats or dogs watch my father they
escape. I saw a jumping frog and the snake too. I studied. A back alley of
the private houses is a walk course too. When I walk after the back of my
father, the ladies of neighborhood say to us every time "pretty, cute,
you are always good kids". We are popular person. ∧ ∧ ∧ ∧ （=・＿・=） （=；＿；=）
★ ★ A happening of the
moving Let me talk about a happening of the
moving today On spring warm day, younger sister
Michael disappeared. According to children talking, it seemed to be a traffic
accident. After that my father has begun to check the handbill of the real
estate agent. On July 13, suddenly chibi and me were
got on the car of my father and were taken to the housing complex of
Hachimandai. This was the first time that I got on a car and became timid.
The scenery flew away and was excited a little. The happening in Obata becomes the memory
from this day, or? But I was not able to afford to indulge
in such a sentiment. The next door dog barked "bowwow" when I
arrived at the house. I was scared because I didn't know a place. So I was
surprised and immediately ran away in a hurry. I realized my situation of a
heart subsided. I don't know my house. I lost a way to come back to house. I
was troubled. I have to wander.
Scared! What shall I do? Tramp life I escaped into the mountain. Then I
assumed there my home because there was a Shinto shrine called 八幡 Shrine and also assumed it a roost. Of
course I had abundant food in summer. I ate a moth or the insect which
gathered to outdoor lamp, also I ate the mouse and the small bird and then I
pinch my nose and have eaten the leftover food. It was lucky for me because
of summer. I acquired wisdom to survive here and
I've grown much strongly. It was a day after approximately one
month. When I crossed the site of the Shinto
shrine to look for food, I heard a dear sound "Nee". I saw my
father when I turned around. My father is! (^o^) (^o^)
(^o^) (^o^) My father was the return from the cheap
restaurant. I was glad. He looked back toward me, and started walking toward
my house while looking back again and again. I followed father run with short
step of my father. When I arrived to the new house I saw a futon remaining of
my smell. I'm lucky. I swore "Never leave my house" I explored around Shinto shrine and
Yahata Pond with my father after having come back to the house. The radius of
territory became more than 500 m size. We shinned up the trees on the hill or
climbed a cliff while competing of the height and speed. Also we walked
around the residential for security patrol.
Encounter with Mr.
Torao But one day I heard a roar "mew
mew" very fascinating from somewhere. I went out and climbed the hill
toward a voice. There was a
figure of strong Torao near the shade of a tree when I arrived on the hill.
When a lower part of the body got wet in no time I was suppressed by him.
Coro of the tomboy was created through this. I have no regret at all. How about afterward Torao? He entered in
the room of the house and he butted into chest of my father. But father reversed
the situation soon and repelled him pitifully. He has noticed the strength of my father
afterwards. But he sometimes comes to play into garden because father did not
torment him. He became my only boyfriend. It is talked about me this time My father was troubled because my body
grows big. Father worryed to the neighborhood at the time that Kollo is born.
Father actually had been calling me "nii-chan" before Kollo was
born. He has been thinking that I’m a boy. But father put a cushion in a
cardboard box and got Kollo born. Kollo was born about 8:00 p.m. May 10.
She had a vague tortoiseshell cat design with a tiger stripe and was born.
Kollo was smaller than a mouse. But she stuck to a nipple desperately while
smelling milk of the breast even if she still was blind. Therefore, kollo
monopolized my milk. ・・・・・・・・・・ Strangely, I copulated with Torao
immediately and got pregnant afterwards. And I went to a veterinarian and
received a contraception operation because my body grew big. Therefore, Kollo
drank milk of her share and with the share of sisters who would be born this
time. Therefore she drank until became bigger than me. It will be
unbelievable. She can’t say except that "wow, wow" or
"oeyo" Encounter with the
mother The encounter with the mother is the
Vernal Equinox Day. When I lay down at incomplete-bed, a shoji opened
suddenly, and ..., a woman entered not knowing. We saw eyes and eyes and I was troubled. I walked around room without being able
to decide. Shall I woke up and should do greeting "hello," or hide
under the bed? However, mother returned soon. She seemed looking at the
arrangement of our house. This was the first time to bring a person. Besides,
it is a woman. Though I was distant, I thought the behavior of the woman who
would become my mother somehow. I thought would be taken the father to
mother. It was about ten days later that she came
next after Kollo was born. She measured the size of each room with a scale.
Kollo went toward the woman to smell while walking unstably though she still
was blind. She already has begun to behave like baby to sell a mother herself
in spite of an illegitimate child. All of family is leaving from me.
Therefore, I decided father is the position of α. And the position of β is
me. What kind of person is mother? I cannot
readily sleep when I think. The kollo of the optimist is enviable. It is talked about
only here today My father enrolled in a marriage
counselor's office of the social welfare center of Kita-ward and did
screening of a female in there. My father is shy as aunty knows. So he wrote
the demand on a resume as person who doesn't have an acquaintance and child. One day he got the offer of the marriage
meeting from a woman. My father went to there with everyday wear because he
wants to show her his normal life condition. As a result, he was refused with
saying that "you are not sincerity". He was discouraged and came
home. It is natural. However, some months later there was an
offer from mother and we have kept it until now. Mother always says to me.
"Nee, you contributed to our marriage. Surely a person loving Nee would
be gentle at heart. I came for Nee" An epilogue of
Nee and the kollo . We lived with two cats. And I have the
decision to choose their life. I have to decide their death someday. Kollo died peacefully by euthanasia. However, Nee didn't do so. She passed
away while suffering because I chose natural death by my selfish greed. I
wanted to spend more with her together. I have regretted that I did a pitihul action for Nee. Kollo Kollo suffered from a cancer and died at
13 years old. It was euthanasia. One day I received a result that "she
is a cancer" by a veterinarian. Kollo will not keep walking until after
long. I did not have a circuit to receive it in brain and I held back the
tears. I cried with all my might after I went home. I sang as long as the
song followed. I received reality with my wife and agreed that I will perform
"euthanasia" if she will be not able to walk because everybody are
told "a cancer is painful hard." On June 30, she stared at my wife and me
with the peaceful eyes which had filled with feeling relieved last, and died.
The body of Coro which I took to our house was warmly still enough.
Nee Nee was died by kidney disease at 19.6
years old. I thought she would
feel better because she suddenly became active when she was injected on a drip first.
Therefore she received intravenous feeding once a every week. After that she
demanded to work with me. August, condition of her health became
good and was able to go to our territory check area with me. Also we went to
there to territory check area together in spite of the midnight of winters.
She has eaten the prawns’ rice cracker while feeling pleasure. (It is a croquette which included fat
) . She jumped at it to want a rice cracker even if she grows weak little by
little. Therefore, I bought them. I felt my pleasure as long as she was
satisfied enough. However, she couldn't win illness. She became on a drip
twice a week at last. Finally, I carried out "natural
death" that already decided because she has begun to hate the
intravenous feeding. After that she sat down onto my knee and behaved like
baby. I will not forget her feeling forever. She died on May 23. She died in the
kotatsu four days later. The futon and mat got wet with the water which was
flowed from the body. I cannot forget her cramped lips. Her tooth moved
subtly. But I did not know whether it was consciousness of her, or movement
by the stiffening. The cushion got wet with body fluid enough. I think she
excreted uric acid from a body while suffering. I chose it though I
understood enough that she would die while suffering when I stopped the
intravenous feeding. I still regret that I couldn't choose euthanasia like
Kollo.
"I’m sorry" 10.4
Recollect Mr. Toudaimori. I was surprised to read a note of Mr. 灯台守. I wanted to ask you about your view of
life in 中部 offline meeting. I regret that I couldn't come near to you because
you seem like court nobles. Oops I am sorry. I could learn various view of
life and depth of the knowledge from all of WG member and was able to enlarge
the field of vision. For example, I learned how to watch a
point of view of world from Mr. Duke who joined in trip to Perth. This became the base and I was able to
get the significant life that I became active in English conversation and Tai
chi chuan and overseas travel, and was happy. I can't be too grateful. Thank you.
Please spend free time in future as it was written by all of them. 10.5
My external environment when I was childhood I was born from the parent as youngest
child of 6 brothers. My parent did not know the society as illiteracy. I
experienced a postwar confusion and the death of my father when I was
childhood. My external environment when I was childhood, I was demanded an
isolated lifestyle from. I was incompatible with the group as a natural
result because I have to go to the elementary school with wretched clothes.
They excluded outsider from group society for energy of the group-saving. In
other words, I was flicked in the pattern that was child friends group. Of course my mother didn't know of
significance of the child care though my mother was gentle. Therefore, I did
not receive education about the rule of the social group that is the
sensitivity, discipline, a custom, the morality. My diffidence stopped me
joining a group. And regrets were given into my mind. As a result, I avoided
a deep association with people and came to turn a back on the contrary. I
have not been recommended to the ○○ committees squad leader in a class. The
education as the leader of organization was a far-off person. It is nothing
to do for me. It may be said that there is not the sense of cooperation with
the friend. I can't work well with other people. But, I felt a instinctive
whisper that insists to study. It has not disappeared through for long time.
That means that I fortunately spent puberty without receiving a learning
effect by the rote learning from the adults. |